I woke up this morning trying to figure out how I am going to have a courageous conversation with my husband.  The thought was how to have a conversation with someone who in our marriage has been the one who has never validated my feelings or dismissed me as a wife.   No matter how much I cry out to say how I feel with tears in my eyes and screaming at the top of my lungs for him to hear my cry. Him overtalking me the entire time has led to years of just acting out in behaviors that are probably things I shouldn’t have done in my marriage. I have tried for years to express to him how I feel about his selfish behaviors and to no avail, I have been silenced.

 My efforts were ignored, and my cries out for his attention were glossed over like they meant nothing.  I mean I have cried, and cried and looked at him dead in his face asking why don’t you hear me and the response is I am a grown-ass man.  I am a grown-ass man is the response he gives when he wants to yell at our son for ignoring what he asked him to do and I chime in to say I asked you to do something and you don’t do it and his response is still I’m a grown-ass man.  

How do you have a conversation with someone heart to heart so you thought, that you are tired of being treated so unfairly when I give, give and I don’t get it in return, I am saying this to him in tears and he sits there and gets up and says I have been this way. I was like this when you met me and he walked away with me crying with my face in my hands. No consoling, no hug, no I’m sorry, no sense of seeing your wife is hurt. 

I say all that to say I do know how I have gotten to where I am now.  When I had my first IT Chemo,(that is where they insert chemo in my lower back because of the tumors they saw in my head) (they place a long needle in my back to remove a certain amount of fluid so they can put chemo in)  it was the most horrifying experience I had ever experienced.  After it was over I cried from the time I left the hospital until we arrived home and throughout the night I cried. When he picked me up he asked a lot of questions l really couldn’t answer and never reached over to hug me or to even hold my hand the entire ride home.  Again, after speaking on how bad of the experience I had the first time and only to see myself going for my 2nd IT Chemo and experiencing the same thing. As I get out of the car he does say “Good Luck Honey” when he dropped me off at the hospital because no one could come in because of Covid restrictions. This time on the way home I didn’t cry but it was silent and I laid my seat back in the car to make it seem like I was going to sleep but the whole time I was speaking to God saying God is a reason why I am going thru this pain please reveal to me why I must endure this much pain.  decided to listen to some worship music first. I love the Tosha Cobb and Kiera Sheard song “Spirit”, but what popped up was the song” Something Has to Break”.  As I listened to the song a revelation came over me.  My marriage has caused my illness.  So long I had been silent in my marriage.  My voice was not heard, my cries ignored, my cry in IT Chemo treatments was the very cries in my marriage, on a table not able to move just taking the pain.  In a marriage unable to have my feelings validated.  I am in a marriage that is unevenly yoked.  In a marriage with no spiritual refill.  My vertical matches my horizontal but no refill at home.  The place where you should feel safe, where you should get that refill I felt empty and had been empty for years.  After that one weekend of that spiritual refill, I then knew what the message God had been trying to get me to see was.  “How long are you going to be silent in your marriage, haven’t you endured enough pain”  That was the message that was plain as day.  Yet again this revelation came in the 12th month of the year. For 5 days after the IT Chemo treatment, I felt the worst I have ever felt this whole time of my chemo treatment since 10/7/20.  I was actually feeling myself going into a depression.  I tried not to have that feeling over me because I know the baby girl is watching me, but I couldn’t help it.  I prayed, prayed, and spoke to God because I knew whatever it is, it was a part of the process.  I didn’t question God why, I questioned what was the message He was trying to get me to see.  I felt like HE was trying to get me to see something I was missing.  

IT  Chemo wasn’t until 12/18/20 when my younger brother called me, actually he texted me and then asked if he could call me and he did. It was almost like he was pouring out his heart to me and telling me how much of an influence I have been to him his whole life and how not only have I been an influence to him but to so many other people that I come in contact with. How positive I am and how much of a positive influence I am on my kids and so on.  He gave me praise for almost 2 hours and he spoke about how he will call me more and that we should talk at least once a day from this day forward.   It was like it was divine intervention. It was like God was pouring the message to my brother to give to me. It was like God was filling him up so much that he was almost at times at a loss for words and kept saying I hope all this is making sense because I’m speaking and speaking. I was crying and snotting and just listened to each and every word he was saying.  

That Saturday I decided to contact a colleague who had been on my mind since the pandemic because we spoke previously about her having to be very careful with covid because her immune system is weak due to her breast cancer.  We talked for hours as well and again another pouring of spiritual gratitude was poured into me. Sunday morning I woke up feeling so full of life and ready to get up with my Sunday routine of watching online Sunday services but which was on my vision board I did in January 2020 and smack dead in the middle of my vision board says “YOUR AH-HA MOMENT’.

  Once I found out I had cancer on September 17, 2020 I thought that was my Ah-Ha moment but now I realize that was just the appetizer before the full-course meal.  God has a way of getting you back on track, let me tell you now it’s not going to make sense to you at that time but stay the course, God will place people in your life in HIS perfect time to reveal to you the answers to your prayers. I thank God I was obedient when I was because I could have missed it as I have done so many times before.  Staying faithful, prayed up, and keeping his promises in your heart will get you through. (December 2020)

Gods Child (December 2020)

June 22, 2022, was the day. I was divorced from my husband.  I filed in 2021, and all I wanted was a house to live in until our daughter graduated high school and child support.  I didn’t want alimony, I didn’t want his retirement, pension none of it. All I wanted was peace of mind and for him to take care of his responsibilities in taking care of our daughter. He wasn’t in agreement with that. He told me if He isn’t in the house no one will be in the house. So the next thing to do was to sell the house.  It took a year for him to decide to do that but he finally came to me and said he was ready to divorce and we can sell the house. He offered to buy me out and I didn’t go with that decision. We put the house up for sale and we sold the house in 3 days.  I had to live with my mother for 3 months because I wasn’t prepared for the move.  I had to look fast because I didn’t want to be a burden on my mother with me and the kids living there in her space.  So I searched and love a location and asked God if it is meant for me to be there then answer my prayers and he did.  I love the area I am in now.  It is quiet and peaceful.  A place that is safe and far yet close enough to visit family if I needed it.  God made it happen.  

Divorce was never in my future but neither was cancer and moving into my first very own place for the first time ever.  I feel as though I was obedient in trusting God in the process thru it all. I found myself wanting to worry and anxiety would kick in but I communicated with God and He gave me a sense of calmness. Letting me know I have nothing to FEAR any longer.  Psalm 46:1