I take pics often because I want to capture moments that mean everything to me. This is me at the beginning of this year just capturing the growth of where I am. I was so happy to see all this hair. My first time blowdrying my hair since it has grown back. I shaved my head in Sept/Oct of 2021 because I knew my hair was going to come out due to the chemo treatments. I noticed my hair was coming out and I just didn’t want to see it coming out on a daily basis. So I shaved my head. I mean I lost all hair where you know hair is.. LOL But anywho,
I took this picture because I was saying to myself. WOW! God, you did it, I look good. Yes, I see me, for so long I tend to everyone else but at this moment I actually took a long look into the mirror and was happy with who I saw in the mirror (playing Mary J Blidge, words in my head- no time for mopping around being down….. so I like what I see when I walk past the mirror…that part!!!
I took some time to take a deep breath stared for a minute and was overwhelmingly happy. The journey for the past three years has been definitely been a challenge and still ongoing. I appreciate the time for self-discovery. I have learned some things about myself and I totally highly recommend some type of counseling. So the journey continues ………
I smile …
I’m so grateful to have it all. The pain, the disappointments, and the expectations of others. All of it. I struggled with so many things that should have taken me out but God saw differently. He trusted me with the things He placed before me and I am fully committed to keeping that trust with Him. He has been unwavering in my life and I ignored all the signs of grace and mercy but now with a new vision of life and having a testimony I will share with the world I am free. I wish to share my testimony with others in hope that you see God not me. You see how amazing and loving He is and will continue to be if you allow yourself to open your heart and release past traumas you have buried so deep you never knew they were there. I pray for a release for you to share your testimony with others so we can all finally come together and heal.
We always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. We want to believe people will never let us down or disappoint us. But let’s face it, it happens. I know I had to learn the hard way that putting expectations into people is temporary and expectations of God are forever. I finally realized I have been putting too many people in my life on a pedestal where they have no business being. God is first and will always be in my life. It’s unfortunate it took a near-death experience to acknowledge I have put people in a higher place than they actually belong. I had to realize God is a jealous God and he wants us to acknowledge him in all our ways. I will admit I did believe those people I chose to put higher than God were my lack of understanding of how good God really is. When we expect God to do something for us, he ALWAYS delivers. It may not look how we envisioned it but it is definitely far more blessings and there are more to come.
Is about a teenager who isn’t having a good day but she knows what to do and who to call to make her feel better.
Today I woke up feeling…meh. I didn’t have a good sleep last night. One of the reasons I believe. I have been wrestling with my sleep lately is that I have been trying to suppress feelings about a life-changing moment I am having with my life right now. Have you ever had something that has happened in your life and you tell yourself you are ok with it but in actuality, you are really not ok? Well, that is where I am. The good part is that I am doing the work to heal from it by seeing a Christian counselor. As I go through these sessions I have realized I have suppressed a lot in my life and I never healed from them or even discussed them with anyone. So my response now to someone asking me how am I doing is HEALING. The past three years of my life have been a true rollercoaster ride. I am grateful I have God in my life to help me navigate through it. I know I can’t do this life on my own and I need guidance from God.
Yesterday my daughter and I went to the grocery store. As we were backing into a parking space a lady was pushing a cart with her daughter in it and the cart got away from her and her baby and the cart fell to the ground. My heart sank as I saw this. I jumped out fo the car and ran to the lady and asked if she was ok. As I walked to help, I noticed her wallet and keys were on the ground so I told her I was picking up her wallet and keys and she should just make sure her daughter is ok as she was consoling her daughter. She wasn’t even crying she looked like she was under 1 year old, go ahead and put her in a car seat. I told her don’t worry about the groceries I will put them in the car for her. My daughter got out of the car to help me pick up the cart and put the groceries in the car for the lady. The lady seemed to be really stressed the groceries were all over the place and the cart got away from her and her daughter fell with the cart. I assured her it was ok, we just want to help her with her groceries and make sure you are ok. She was grateful and happy we were there to help her. Situations like this remind me we are humankind. It took nothing for me to help her, It was a natural instinct to do the right thing. I put myself in her position. I have had several times that I was so overwhelmed and God sent an angel to help me in my time of need. What a blessing to be a blessing to someone else. I wasn’t a blind eye to see someone in need. (LESSON) That makes my heart full. I hope that this reminds us all just to be kind to someone else because you never know what. a person is going through at that moment.
I have lived my life the majority of my life for and through others and after my renewed vision I have acknowledged I have the power of God in me. I am a follower of God, adversities will come and adversities are just lessons. They are. a pause for the cause. They come to remind you who you have by your side and reassure you are not alone. Even though sometimes it feels like it. Knowing this helps remind me of what God has brought to me and has gotten me through. If he brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Just remember to pray on it, pray over it and pray through it. You want better, do better. If you want something you never had, do something you have never done. Walk by faith. #Godsgraceandmercy #Grace #BeIntentional #BeConsistent #BePresent #nhlcSurvivor #Godsfavorite #Walkbyfaith #Faithitforward #TrustGod #Trusttheprocess #Thebestisyettocome #Strong #Godgetstheglory #blessings
We are in the last month of the year. It’s time to gather with family and friends, some still by zoon others choose to come together in small groups. As we reflect on the highlights of 2022, what was your ah-ha moment of the year? My ah-ha was having my port removed and going from every 3-month check to every 6 months due to how well I have been taking care of myself and the remission of cancer that consumed me on 9/17/20. March 2022 was the removal of my port.
Everyone should be happy!
One thing that I am not very happy with but a decision was made that my marriage of 15 years came to an end and this would be the first time I had to face life on my own with 2 children. Not only am I trying to figure out a renewed version of myself but then have to deal with a divorce. WOW! These life-changing events in my life are showing me how resilient and strong I am. Yet, being alone, or so I thought, has been peaceful because this has been the first time in my life I have had to live on my own and feel peace with it. I am still adjusting. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by my life but then I believe in my heart if God brought me to it He will definitely bring me through it. My own peace, my own space. AMAZING.
Moms Birthday Surprise
July 6th was another highlight because I was able to take my mom on her first African American tour of Washington, DC. She has lived in Washington DC all of her life and has never been on a tour of DC. I am happy I was able to provide that for her birthday. We had a great time.
Laughter is the Best Medicine
I always say laughter is the best medicine. When life throws you curve balls go to a good comedy show. I love to attend a great comedy show and being as I have several favorite comedians I love to attend local (DMV) comedy shows. So stay tuned for my comedy tour called “The Way my Cancer was set up.”
This comedy show was such a blessing from someone I have known for over 20 years. He invited me to the comedy show he was hosting and much to my surprise the entire room blessed me with these seeds.
It was the end of the comedy show he was recognizing me and other cancer survivors in the room and also recognizing others who have been a blessing to him. He asked me to stand back up and begin to let the audience know how long we have known each other and he had a surprise for me. He planted a seed and the entire room begin to plant seeds as well. Before I knew it the photo above is what I saw after I opened my eyes after melting down and crying like a baby. I had a very challenging week and I almost didn’t make it to the comedy show. As I was leaving out the door I realized I didn’t have the tickets on me for the show. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I felt myself going into a panic attack. I sat down and said the devil is a liar. I will find these tickets lord, help me to find these tickets. I knew I had to find them because I like to keep my word when people invite me out to an event and I had my family meeting me there. So after I communicated to God. He revealed to me where the tickets were and I made it to the comedy show. WOW. When we are obedient to God he will give us what you ask for. It was a night I will never ever forget.
As I go through this thing called life. I am also trying to make better choices when it comes to my mind body and soul. I journal daily, pray and meditate. I met some new friends at a back-to-school night. Needless to say, I am still working on the exercise part. LOL
Black Girls Vote Gala
I had the opportunity to be invited to a wonderful gala. It was called the Black Girls Vote Gala. It was an evening of elegance promoting the 5 years of success of this organization. This was my daughter’s first Gala attended and she said she had a great time. The room was full of beautiful people and they were recognizing young women who has started Black Girls Vote at a college level. It was an amazing time.
At the end of the day. I will always show God how grateful I am for all that he has done and what he continues to do for me. Would I change any of it? No. I have seen how I have grown in God’s promises and know I couldn’t have done any of it without it. I have and will continue to trust God and Trust the Process.
New Journeys New Goals
I have come to the realization that I should always look for new journeys and new goals. Life is so amazing it’s time to elevate myself to new places, things and people. Live each day by the second, minute, hour, and be present in it all. Go into the new year Being Intentional, Being Consistent, and Being Present! See you in the new year.
I woke up this morning trying to figure out how I am going to have a courageous conversation with my husband. The thought was how to have a conversation with someone who in our marriage has been the one who has never validated my feelings or dismissed me as a wife. No matter how much I cry out to say how I feel with tears in my eyes and screaming at the top of my lungs for him to hear my cry. Him overtalking me the entire time has led to years of just acting out in behaviors that are probably things I shouldn’t have done in my marriage. I have tried for years to express to him how I feel about his selfish behaviors and to no avail, I have been silenced.
My efforts were ignored, and my cries out for his attention were glossed over like they meant nothing. I mean I have cried, and cried and looked at him dead in his face asking why don’t you hear me and the response is I am a grown-ass man. I am a grown-ass man is the response he gives when he wants to yell at our son for ignoring what he asked him to do and I chime in to say I asked you to do something and you don’t do it and his response is still I’m a grown-ass man.
How do you have a conversation with someone heart to heart so you thought, that you are tired of being treated so unfairly when I give, give and I don’t get it in return, I am saying this to him in tears and he sits there and gets up and says I have been this way. I was like this when you met me and he walked away with me crying with my face in my hands. No consoling, no hug, no I’m sorry, no sense of seeing your wife is hurt.
I say all that to say I do know how I have gotten to where I am now. When I had my first IT Chemo,(that is where they insert chemo in my lower back because of the tumors they saw in my head) (they place a long needle in my back to remove a certain amount of fluid so they can put chemo in) it was the most horrifying experience I had ever experienced. After it was over I cried from the time I left the hospital until we arrived home and throughout the night I cried. When he picked me up he asked a lot of questions l really couldn’t answer and never reached over to hug me or to even hold my hand the entire ride home. Again, after speaking on how bad of the experience I had the first time and only to see myself going for my 2nd IT Chemo and experiencing the same thing. As I get out of the car he does say “Good Luck Honey” when he dropped me off at the hospital because no one could come in because of Covid restrictions. This time on the way home I didn’t cry but it was silent and I laid my seat back in the car to make it seem like I was going to sleep but the whole time I was speaking to God saying God is a reason why I am going thru this pain please reveal to me why I must endure this much pain. decided to listen to some worship music first. I love the Tosha Cobb and Kiera Sheard song “Spirit”, but what popped up was the song” Something Has to Break”. As I listened to the song a revelation came over me. My marriage has caused my illness. So long I had been silent in my marriage. My voice was not heard, my cries ignored, my cry in IT Chemo treatments was the very cries in my marriage, on a table not able to move just taking the pain. In a marriage unable to have my feelings validated. I am in a marriage that is unevenly yoked. In a marriage with no spiritual refill. My vertical matches my horizontal but no refill at home. The place where you should feel safe, where you should get that refill I felt empty and had been empty for years. After that one weekend of that spiritual refill, I then knew what the message God had been trying to get me to see was. “How long are you going to be silent in your marriage, haven’t you endured enough pain” That was the message that was plain as day. Yet again this revelation came in the 12th month of the year. For 5 days after the IT Chemo treatment, I felt the worst I have ever felt this whole time of my chemo treatment since 10/7/20. I was actually feeling myself going into a depression. I tried not to have that feeling over me because I know the baby girl is watching me, but I couldn’t help it. I prayed, prayed, and spoke to God because I knew whatever it is, it was a part of the process. I didn’t question God why, I questioned what was the message He was trying to get me to see. I felt like HE was trying to get me to see something I was missing.
IT Chemo wasn’t until 12/18/20 when my younger brother called me, actually he texted me and then asked if he could call me and he did. It was almost like he was pouring out his heart to me and telling me how much of an influence I have been to him his whole life and how not only have I been an influence to him but to so many other people that I come in contact with. How positive I am and how much of a positive influence I am on my kids and so on. He gave me praise for almost 2 hours and he spoke about how he will call me more and that we should talk at least once a day from this day forward. It was like it was divine intervention. It was like God was pouring the message to my brother to give to me. It was like God was filling him up so much that he was almost at times at a loss for words and kept saying I hope all this is making sense because I’m speaking and speaking. I was crying and snotting and just listened to each and every word he was saying.
That Saturday I decided to contact a colleague who had been on my mind since the pandemic because we spoke previously about her having to be very careful with covid because her immune system is weak due to her breast cancer. We talked for hours as well and again another pouring of spiritual gratitude was poured into me. Sunday morning I woke up feeling so full of life and ready to get up with my Sunday routine of watching online Sunday services but which was on my vision board I did in January 2020 and smack dead in the middle of my vision board says “YOUR AH-HA MOMENT’.
Once I found out I had cancer on September 17, 2020 I thought that was my Ah-Ha moment but now I realize that was just the appetizer before the full-course meal. God has a way of getting you back on track, let me tell you now it’s not going to make sense to you at that time but stay the course, God will place people in your life in HIS perfect time to reveal to you the answers to your prayers. I thank God I was obedient when I was because I could have missed it as I have done so many times before. Staying faithful, prayed up, and keeping his promises in your heart will get you through. (December 2020)
Gods Child (December 2020)
June 22, 2022, was the day. I was divorced from my husband. I filed in 2021, and all I wanted was a house to live in until our daughter graduated high school and child support. I didn’t want alimony, I didn’t want his retirement, pension none of it. All I wanted was peace of mind and for him to take care of his responsibilities in taking care of our daughter. He wasn’t in agreement with that. He told me if He isn’t in the house no one will be in the house. So the next thing to do was to sell the house. It took a year for him to decide to do that but he finally came to me and said he was ready to divorce and we can sell the house. He offered to buy me out and I didn’t go with that decision. We put the house up for sale and we sold the house in 3 days. I had to live with my mother for 3 months because I wasn’t prepared for the move. I had to look fast because I didn’t want to be a burden on my mother with me and the kids living there in her space. So I searched and love a location and asked God if it is meant for me to be there then answer my prayers and he did. I love the area I am in now. It is quiet and peaceful. A place that is safe and far yet close enough to visit family if I needed it. God made it happen.
Divorce was never in my future but neither was cancer and moving into my first very own place for the first time ever. I feel as though I was obedient in trusting God in the process thru it all. I found myself wanting to worry and anxiety would kick in but I communicated with God and He gave me a sense of calmness. Letting me know I have nothing to FEAR any longer. Psalm 46:1
God is amazing. I have several testimonies but I want to hear yours. Your prayers go up to God and he hears you, you have to trust when your prayers go up blessings will pour down, and the more you spend time with God the more overflow happens. Miracles, signs, and wonders are coming, Trust the process and trust God.
There it is..the final diagnosisTest after test..it could be this it could be thatLet’s try this medicationLet’s try that oneDr how long are you going to keep doping me upBe real, just give it to me straightThe stress of not knowing …waitNot knowing is called faith right?I have that!Another final test..Now the final resultsThe three words you don’t think of but hear is YOU HAVE CANCERIt comes out in slow motion along with other words you don’t even hearNo not you…it can’t be trueNow there are three other words that come to mind NEVER SAY NEVERAt that moment I redirected the energy of those words I heard. TRUST THE PROCESS.Faith is what I have and what I knowAnd the only way to get thru this is to growTrusting the process will be a road traveled aloneBut faith will guide you fully to let you knowYou are stronger than you thought you could beAnd it will show you this path is for you to open your mind to the possibilities of a beautiful life God had for you just hold on and trust the process.
Wow…one year ago today. I was sent home from the hospital after being in the hospital for a week. I was losing a lot of blood, went into a seizure thought God was calling me home. I was sent to the hospital for a blood transfusion with several pints of blood, test after test, all tests came back good and the doctors come into my room to tell me on the 5th day with a puzzled look on their face saying they don’t know what caused the seizure. I knew when they came into the room they weren’t going to be able to tell me what caused the seizure but me with a smirk on my face saying to them…”oh God don’t show up on test.” Can I go home and watch the superbowl now.
All of that to say God is the truth. I prayed like no tomorrow and here I am still standing…..Thank you God and Thank you my Love Muffins
for all your prayers.
#beintentional #beconsistent #be present #warrior #NHLCancersurvivor #childofGod #faithcausedmybreakthrough #faith #prayerwarrior #iwilllivenotdie #godstiming #trustGod #trusttheprocess #faithitforward #teamLboogie #GodsTeam #Lbelieveable #graceandmercy
Age: 51 years old
I am a Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Cancer Survivor of 10 months as of March 23, 2021. I am a mother of two ages 14 and 21. A divorced wife of 15 years. It has been quite a journey with cancer during a pandemic. To be completely honest the challenges have been overwhelming. I try to still be the person I was before cancer but I have finally faced that I am not that person any longer. I have days where I don’t want to ever wake up again but my faith keeps me pushing through.
My mental health has been an emotional roller coaster. I was given the news of Cancer and completely went numb to everything around me but put a mask on to make people believe I was ok. By the way, it always sounds better to say I’m fine because then I won’t have to find the words to tell people how I really feel. Most of the time I couldn’t articulate how I felt or what was going on with my mind, body, and soul. Most of the time I felt helpless. Where was the woman who everyone went to for advice, whenever everyone else needed her she would show up but she couldn’t show up for herself? Where did she go? The person who loves to cook but doesn’t have the strength to cook and on days when I did feel well I would either burn up the food or forget and leave the stove on. Where was the person who loves to be around people now looks at herself in the mirror and says “WHO IS SHE?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
No matter how many questions you ask yourself just know sometimes it’s ok to not be ok. Just don’t stay in that space. Not every day is going to be perfect and that is ok. You have been taken down a road of unmarked territory in your life and trusting God is who you will need for this ride. An illness of any kind is a transition to a new space a new journey. If God places you on this path it’s a lesson for a blessing. You are not alone. Prayer, meditation, and a good support group will make the journey easier but you have to be willing to trust the process.